Ripping Impaired

I have a confession to make. I am ripping-impaired. It’s something I’ve tried to deny for many years, but now it’s time to face up to it.

I think I’ve always had trouble ripping things cleanly. Heck, cleanly was never even close. I would be happy with neatly, but even that is usually beyond me. Doesn’t matter if there are perforations or not. Short of scissors, anything I try to make into two pieces will end up in strange and unusual sizes.

I realized I had this problem when I was training to be a Flight Service Specialist. We had a training room that mimicked an actual working station, complete with a teletype machine that delivered the weather updates from Environment Canada. Our job was to scan the information that appeared, take out what was pertinent to our station and pass it on appropriately.

The teletype machine had a clear plastic cover that had many, many little teeth along the top edge to facilitate the ripping process. You could cut roasts with that plastic cover. Paper and me? Not a hope. I would try for a clean rip and the paper would have a curve and most of the time I would tear right through the information I needed the most.

It got to the point where the instructors would just hand me the scotch tape dispenser as I walked into the lab. With extra tape. I’m sure there was a betting pool at the instructor’s desk, seeing how soon I would make confetti out of my teletype paper.

It didn’t end there. At work, even if I had a ruler and clamped everything down, then tried to tear a sheet of paper, I still managed to rip it perpendicular to the direction required.

I tried everything to overcome this problem. I’ve folded the paper back and forth, making a crease so thin that you could see through it. I have used a steel-edged ruler with one of my children sitting on it, I’ve run a line across the paper with a fine point pen sixty-seven times or tried using only tissue paper. No luck.

I’m a whiz with scissors or a knife. I can freehand a straight line with a knife through drywall, bread, even turkeys. However, unless I cut right through the paper on the cutting board, when I pick it up to pull it apart, it will rip everywhere except along the line I cut.

It continues to this day.

Take paper towels. Even with the new towels with half-sized sheets and lots more opportunity to rip smaller pieces, you can expect to get three or four sheets, not one.

One of my family’s favourite activities is to watch me open the mail. The things I do to envelopes are apparently the stuff of legend - or maybe the circus, I don’t know which.

Don’t get me started on toilet paper. Most of it ends up piled on the floor because the sheet didn't tear off in my hand. I can zing a new roll right off the cardboard tube with one flick of my wrist.  It’s like we have a puppy in the house, or a three-year-old who likes playing in the bathroom. For those who know me, no comments!

So now you know. If you want something ripped cleanly, do not come to me. It really doesn’t matter if it’s paper, a label off a jar or can, or a t-shirt.

Now, if you’re someone looking for an artistic representation in the art of paper ripping, we can talk…