Higher Learning

I was speaking with my niece a few days ago about her experiences during her first semester of University. Talking about all the lame courses you have to take before you can get to the good ones in second year, the goofy people that surround you at residence and the even goofier professors you have to put up with over the next four years.

That conversation got me to thinking. I know that may surprise many who know me, but I actually do think once in a while.

I was thinking about my first Chemistry professor during my time at University. He set the tone and the bar for every other professor I encountered afterward.

The first day of class, this dishevelled gent in a lab coat walked into the auditorium about two minutes to class time. He stood at the lectern and stared at the clock on the wall until the minute hand hit the top of the hour and then waited again until the second completed it‘s circuit as well. Then he yells out “Right, we can start now!”

“My goal is to fail as many of you as possible. Your goal is to pass this course by any means possible. One sure way of passing this course is to attend the Monty Python Film Festival being held this week at the Student Union Hall. I will be there at the beginning of every screening taking names. You will get at least a fifty percent if I get your name listed.”

Favourite. Class. Ever. The following classes did not disappoint either. He always managed to keep the class on the edge of their seats, literally. Once, while a lab assistant was preparing a demonstration, the professor started to explain what the reactions were going to do and why they were going to do it. Nothing really unusual, except as he was speaking he started to don a long lab coat. Then he put on some elbow-length, heavy duty rubber gloves. Then a thick green chemically resistant apron and finally, the piece de resistance, a full face shield. Standing behind the cabinet and lectern, he slowly started to sink down, still explaining. When all we could see was the top of his head, we saw him motion to the lab assistant to pour the last ingredient in and then he disappeared completely.

All that happened to the chemical mix was the slightly yellowish liquid turned a deep purple. We all waited breathlessly for some smoke or flames or anything at all. Nada. Nothing. Not a peep. I tell you, the students in the front row did an admirable job of not leaping out of their chairs when the final ingredient was poured.

The best class was one where the professor was explaining exothermic reactions. To demonstrate, he had a big pyrex basin filled with water and was telling the class that sodium metal reacted with water which caused the metal to burn when in contact with water. He removed a small chunk of sodium metal from a jar, sliced a sliver off with a knife and dropped it into the water. A tiny little flame sprung up in the middle of the basin and went out a few seconds later. Looking at the clock, the professor muttered something about not using up enough time, so he cut a bigger chunk and dropped it in the water. This time, there as a bigger flame and it lasted about ten seconds or so.

Looking up at the clock again and clearly not satisfied, he cut a third, bigger piece, dropped it in the water and turned off all the lights in the auditorium so we could see the flame better. It was taking longer to ignite and just as he said “This generally is not a very active reaction…” and BANG! A big purple flame shot out of the basin as it exploded and sprayed water over everyone up front and then the room went completely black.

When the lights came back on, everyone in the front row was in the third row. Now that’s education!