Warehouse Stores

I had to get batteries the other day. With all the game console controllers needing AA batteries and every flashlight in the immediate vicinity dead as a doornail, it was time to resupply. You all know what that means.

A trip to the warehouse store.

Just typing that phrase has sent shivers down my spine. On one hand, it’s the excitement of seeing all the new items they have artfully arranged throughout the 75,000 square feet of space. On the other hand, it’s the knowledge that once you enter the warehouse store, you will never, ever, leave the building with just one item. Even if you hide your wallet in your socks, it’s like a stealth siphon, emptying your bank account when you get within 600 meters of the building.

I do love wandering through the racks, seeing all the cool new items – LCD TV’s, surround sound systems, funky business chairs, a kitchen mixer that has a 475 watt motor that could power my car and the amazing barbeque accessories. Who knew they made grills that you can use in a hot tub! Or grills that had a hot tub!

The second best thing is all the sample tables. If you time your visit just right, you don’t need to have another meal until the next day. Fresh fruit pieces with the latest yogurt topping, crackers with salsa, bits of pita pizzas – every food group at your fingertips. Wear your jacket the first time around, grab the food then take the jacket off, go around the freezer section and go for the second course. That way the ladies handing out the samples won’t get suspicious.

These places are a boon to parents of teenagers. Where else can you get shampoo in packages of twelve litres for the price of a single bottle? Or t-shirts and pants for under fifteen dollars a pair? The best deal has to be the 45 gallon drums of ketchup and instant macaroni and cheese mix – that lasts us almost three weeks in our house. I’m talking about the pants, ketchup and macaroni. The shampoo lasts considerably longer. I have two boys.

It’s also a great place for a workout. By the time you get all the items into your cart, under your cart and hanging off the side of your cart, the whole thing weighs as much as a small elephant. You get weight training lifting the stuff into the cart then cardio pushing the darn thing 7.4 kilometres around the store.

I do think there is some weird physics or magic dust or something around these warehouse stores. Think about it. I have just completed shopping and am standing in the checkout line. My cart is overflowing so much that I have spotters on either side. I place the items on the check out table and the cashier and packer are zipping things through. These are professionals, so I expect that the cart won’t need the spotters on the other side of the checkout.

I use all the funds available to me by signing a second mortgage agreement to the cashier and push my goods to the exit. Thank goodness the snack bar is there, I need an ice cream cone to make it to my car.

The guards at the exit look over my receipt and use their x-ray vision to ensure I didn’t hide a small package of salmon in the middle of the pile somewhere (small being a relative term. The package can feed you for a week).

The strangeness happens as I approach my car. The cart seems to get lighter and easier to manoeuvre. As I load the goods into the back and empty the cart, I am surprised that everything fits into the trunk. I look back to see if I dropped anything but everything seems to be there.

By the time I get home and yell for the kids to help unload, I realize that it only takes two trips and the car is empty. Where did everything go?

And darn it, I still forgot the batteries.