Weird Family...sayings

Okay everyone, I’m going to say this right up front. My wife is a fantastic person – smart, beautiful and close to being a saint. That last part is because she actually married me and has put up with me for this long. She still says that alcohol had nothing to do with it…

I love her dearly and what I am about to tell you should in no way, at all, whatsoever  be considered a criticism. Never in a million years. Been married long enough to know better. That being said, I’ll let you know now, my darling wife has some very weird sayings in her family.

I’m talking about sayings along the lines of “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” (or in my case, “We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it”). Another is “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”. Both sayings are well understood, even by folks who have never heard of them before. Easy to pick up, easy to remember.

The closest thing my wife has that is remotely understandable is “Never worry Worry until Worry worries you”. Say it five times fast then try to figure it out. Better yet, tell it to a friend or spouse really fast and see if they can follow you. The intense look of concentration they’ll use to work out which ‘worry’ means what will be a Kodak moment.

The next saying she has is only understandable when used in context. It’s usually said out loud and forcefully when something has gone wrong or hasn’t been done correctly. Check your work if you hear “For crying in the sink!”. I think this was a safe phrase to use when she was growing up and really, really, really wanted to swear at her brothers. It was the only thing that kept her from getting her mouth washed out with soap and all those good things that happen when kids use grown up words.

She claims these sayings came from her English granny. I don’t know though - the British usually rhyme out naughty sayings with words that sound close to the real ones. Close enough to catch the drift. I still don’t know what crying in the sink has to do with anything, except when you’re cutting fresh onions.

The family saying that I have had the most trouble with and yet is my favourite, goes like this: “An old woman forced a pig and it died”. After 18 plus years of marriage, I still have no idea what that means. It’s been trotted out at the dinner table, camping, sailing, just about everywhere and in all sorts of situations. What the old woman was doing to the pig has never been explained and I have absolutely no idea what she was forcing on the poor animal.

The first time I heard it was when my wife and I were dating. I can’t quite remember where we were at the time, but we were talking about work or vacations or something when she piped up and said “An old woman forced a pig and it died”. I had to stop for a moment to collect myself. What would you say if you asked someone how old they were and they answered ‘yellow’. Exactly! I gave her a sideways look and a hesitant ‘ooookaaay’ and waited for something else to follow. Seeing her smiling face relaxed me a bit. Actually, it relaxed me a lot. I still couldn’t believe that she was going out with me, so there was a lot of latitude given. No use ruining a good thing.

I’m sure sometime in the next 18 years I may figure out what that saying means, but for now, as long as my wife smiles at me after she says something like that, I’ll just smile back and nod like I get it. Wouldn’t want to be forced into anything. Wouldn’t want to end up like a dying duck in a thunderstorm.