Pranks

People sometimes wonder where I got my sense of humour from. Actually, people sometimes just wonder about me in general. Oh well.

I’m going to come right and say it’s all my parents’ fault. Mostly my dad’s to be honest.  He’s 77 years old this year, going on twelve. He’ll still deny stealing a fresh baked cookie, even when he has chocolate on his face and crumbs on his shirt. That’s consistency!

From my Mom, I received the gift of appreciating the humour in family situations. Many a day went by when I’d find Mom sitting in the kitchen or living room, giggling quietly to herself because the dog wore his food bowl as a hat or the cat tried to catch a butterfly through a screen window. Maybe it was just from watching us kids get ready for school. 

No Gun Hunting

aaa-a.org

Back in my traveling days, I was lucky enough to spend some time in New Zealand. It was an era where you could actually get around the country by hitchhiking, without fear of ending up as fodder for a horror film.

My buddy Murray and I were heading south to Auckland to meet up with our friend Cliff. We were at a crossroads when a small car slowed down to pick us up. It was a Government of New Zealand vehicle and the driver looked us over, measuring and weighing the options, while Mur and I tried to look as innocent and trustworthy as possible.

Quit laughing - we could pull it off back then.

Recovery

I need a nap. It's not because I've had the requisite 3.7 pounds of turkey, with all the sides: mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top, several vegetables of various colours and shapes and as much dessert as I could fit in afterwards.

theclipartwizard.com

It's also not because I had to stay up until 3:00 am to put together a doll house or tricycle - the kids are all old enough to want smartphones and money now, which has saved me a lot of grief over the last few years…besides, my darling wife and I woke up well before the kids on Christmas Day. Go figure.

No, I think I need to have a snooze to try and rest up from all the aftershocks of this Christmas/New Year season. Being an independent contractor means having to take as many jobs as possible. If you don't, then one day you'll finish up a project and realize there will be too much month at the end of the money, so I was working until the very last minute.

Men and Women Explained

Today we talk about the differences between Man and Woman. It's the start of a new year and we should try to set some ground rules and expectations. Besides, my kids want me to lay off them for a while.

Men are fascinated by big explosions, shiny things and bodily functions that involve any kind of gas. We (men) are content to accept things the way they are and do not have to dig for a deeper truth in everything we see. 

Women seem to need to dig down, get every detail, significant or not. Men already have all the info they need to make a decision. There is a simplicity to our methods that works very well. We get enough data to make a decision and go with it. We don't have to obsess over a lot of detail.

Socks

comingunmoored.com

New Year, new day. new socks. It’s been a good year so far. There’s nothing like putting on a pair of brand new socks first thing in the morning. The smooth feel along the bottom of your foot, the way your heel slides right into the heel cup and none of that pesky sock fluff piling up between your toes right away.

This may all sound pretty funny coming from a guy who goes barefoot in the middle of the winter. I put this down to my early hockey years. I spent so many weekends and evenings at the rink as a kid, putting skates on at -20 degrees (Fahrenheit or Celsius, take your pick) that I learned quickly how to keep my feet warm almost anywhere.

Merry Christmas!

chopeh.deviantart.com

M is for the many Months that I have had to do my Christmas Shopping, but didn't.

E is for the Excitement starting to build about having the family back together soon.

R is for getting Ready to dive into the stores and refuse to leave until the shopping is done. I should have done more training. Lucky I still have elbow, shoulder and knee pads for protection from the crowds.

R is for Rum. You can never have too much, especially at Christmas.

Y is for why oh why did I not put up the Christmas lights earlier?

A space is to pause long enough to take a breath.

Christmas Day Wake Ups

mrsvangelista.com

 I am very happy to be able to tell you this story now. My kids have all reached the age where sleeping in is the norm. If they had their way, they’d sleep until two in the afternoon, eat brunch, watch TV or play Xbox for a couple of hours, ask what’s for dinner, then back to TV and Xbox til eleven p.m. and repeat the cycle ad infinitum. Especially on Christmas Day! We even have to schedule their chores between nap times…it reminds me of when they were babies, except now they have bigger shoes. Same amount of work gets done.

It would have been, well, bad, if I had related this story any earlier in their lives. You’ll understand in a moment.

Christmas Mysteries

imperialgiftline.com

There are many mysteries in this world, especially at this time of year. The mystery of the Star of Bethlehem, how the wise men followed the signs, and what the heck is frankincense and myrrh, anyway? There is also the mystery of how men and women cope with shopping for Christmas.

I have known several women who delight in shopping for Christmas presents all year round. I can never figure out how they can be walking by a display and suddenly grab a widget off the shelf, proudly stating “this will be perfect for Cuddles for Christmas!”, even when it’s 27 degrees Celsius in the middle of an African village. I mean, where do they hide these items for the next six months?!?

Perceptions

abbyanna0.tripod.com 

I was perusing through the newsfeeds the other day and found an article where scientists discovered that women see things differently than men.

Well, duh.

Any male who has been in a relationship with a female (and even those who haven't) have known about this since men have noticed women.

Just taking a break

Hi Folks -

Time for a little hiatus. Nothing for this week but I should be back next week. Unless, of course, I win the Lotto this weekend. Then it might be the week after...

Lunch

It's time to eat ice cream. Neapolitan, with a little chocolate sauce and maybe a few chocolate chips sprinkled here and there.

darkmattermatters.com

Then maybe a hot dog and potato chips, with a soda pop or milkshake to wash it all down. Yes, I'm having dessert first, then lunch. You may not call hot dogs and chips lunch, but today, I do.

And why am I indulging in this epicurean delight? Well, let me tell you...

Alarming Clocks

I'm pretty comfortable with clocks. Having spent the better part of my career surrounded by several timepieces at once has made me immune to any fear of clock-like items.

I can even take alarm clocks. They have a distinct purpose and generally perform that purpose admirably.

What I don't get is the snooze button.

When the first alarm clocks came out - the ones you had to wind up every morning or evening - there was a small arm on the top of the clock that would hold back the clapper for the bells. The alarm was either armed or not. You either woke to the clamouring of two cow bells in your ear or to the sound of the school bus leaving. Both methods provided the same shot of adrenaline.

Perfect Days

Have you ever had one of those days? The ones where everything just falls into place perfectly? When there's a parking spot right at the front of the store, you find a twenty-dollar bill on the sidewalk or that perfect 900 inch LCD TV with wi-fi and a beer fridge in the stand is on sale for two hundred bucks?

Me neither.

I'm particularly reminded of a day I had learning to sail on the West Coast. We were well into the week long course and our instructor decided that we could choose our own destination for the day. Our choice?  A cool fjord-like area called Teakerne Arm. The best part was we could almost sail the boat right up to a waterfall - dipping the bow in, if we wanted.

We had been on the boat for four days; maybe it was time for a shower…

Barbeque Renos

Did you know that barbeques can be used for renovations?

I'm not talking about just cooking up burgers and hotdogs after the work is done, either. I mean, you really can use your barbeque as a tool to effect renovations for your property. Old-fashioned briquettes or propane units, it doesn't matter.

Here's how. Years ago, a guy I know had a little charcoal hibachi grill that he used all the time to cook up his meals. This guy could grill a burger, a hotdog, steak and even lasagna on the thing. Spring, summer, fall and winter - didn't matter, this guy would happily cook anything.

Synonyms and Shakespeare

engadget.com

How many ways can you say "dumb"? Let's count…

Dumb, dummy, goof, goofball, doofus, idjit (thank you, Yosemite Sam), stove bolt, numbskull, dunderhead, idiot, bonehead, beanhead, addled, twit and muttonhead (yes, muttonhead).

Not a bad start. One word descriptions that if used by anyone, would convey the meaning without a doubt.

How to Become a Firefighter

gawker.com

One of the many careers listed on my resume is one of a Firefighter. I became a firefighter quite by accident many moons ago when I first started working full time. I was working and living in the mountains west of Calgary and was very happy with my job and had no real desire to run into burning buildings whatsoever.

One of my friends had applied for and got the job as Assistant Fire Chief at the local volunteer fire hall. It was a feather in his cap, and he was rightfully proud of his accomplishment. They had just finished a new fire hall for the area and he was really eager to show it off.

So I got a call from him one day, with an invitation to come over and see the new digs on a Wednesday night. Not having a lot to do, I agreed. That was my first mistake.

Traveling to Heaven

A few years back, when I was in University, two of my friends and I went to New Zealand and Australia for six months. Okay, maybe it was more than a few years ago, but I know we went for a good reason. I know the University thought it was a good reason as well because they said so in a letter after my second semester.

Anyway, we had been in New Zealand for about four days and had made our way up to the northern tip of the North Island, to a small place call Paihia (pie-HEE-ah). It's located in the Bay of Islands, one of the most spectacular places in the world. Being fresh off the boat - literally - we were eager to see the sights, have some adventures and spend some money.

A Daughter's Retort

It’s all about maintaining the facade.

Your parents have to believe that they are all knowing, all powerful, and that there is no possible way that you can sneak anything past them.

Ever.

It’s the whole masquerade that makes them believe that they’ve still got ‘it’, whatever ‘it’ may be.

Parental Point of VIew

I am re-running this article for you, mostly because I think it may help a few fathers out there deal with their kids.

Or not. Next week I'll publish my darling daughter's response to this article. 

You tell me...

http://www.mobiusengine.co.uk/page/3/

It's all about maintaining the façade. Your kids have to believe that you are all knowing, all powerful and they won't get away with anything - ever. It is the mask you present to them that says "Nothing you do will surprise me".

Even when it does.

As a kid, I always thought that I was being sneaky and getting away with staying out late. Then I would get home and Mom would be there, supposedly just getting a drink of water or reading a good book.

Seeing Things Differently

www.chiefscientist.gov.au/wp-content/uploads/aurora-borealis.jpg

Have you ever seen anything that was so different, that you couldn't quite comprehend what you were seeing? I'm talking about things like seeing the Aurora Borealis for the first time, or green thunderclouds, or a bug that looks like a leaf. It takes a few seconds to process sometimes. Maybe a few minutes, depending on what it is or who you are…

There was the time when I was at a friend's place and we were walking past her brother's room. It was the 1980's and it was a younger brother, so the décor was very much the young teenager look. Blacklight posters, clothes on the floor, bed unmade - wait, I think I'm describing my kid's room right now!